I was a bit undecided to post about a recent episode we went through. But it troubled me so much that I’ve decided to share it and maybe something good will come out of it.
Feromsa and Feven have started swimming lessons. I felt they were ready to take that step, since Feven is much more open now socially speaking, and Feromsa is doing so great at school.
So I enrolled them in some classes in our local Community Center. Feven gets into the water with me in the baby class, and for now she’s not very happy to learn to swim.
Feromsa is in the beginner class with other kids and he seems to enjoy it and I think he will learn very quickly since he likes the water and has an adventurous spirit.
Anyway, during the first class I was with him by the side of the pool while we waited for the teacher. We were on a bench and next to us were a mom with a little girl, both white, about the age of Feromsa. I was explaining to Feromsa about what was going to happen; getting into the water, the teacher, etc.
He wasn’t afraid, he never is, actually he was quite happy.
Then the girl next to us started talking to her mother and the dialogue went something like this:
Girl: – Mom, why that kid is so dark?
Mom: – Well, because that’s the color his skin is
Girl: – I wouldn’t like to be black!
Mom: – He doesn’t want to be white either
Girl: – His skin color is ugly!
Mom: – Don’t be rude, he has a beautiful skin, that’s the way God made him, in the same way God made you white.
Girl: – But I don’t like it!
Mom: – He’s a beautiful boy, he’s handsome!
Girl: – EW!! (with a clear expression of disgust)
Mom: – Be nice J. …
And then the mom started to talk about something else, to distract the girl from the topic, she said something like “Are you excited to get into the pool? “. And later both mother and daughter went to sit somewhere else.
While this dialogue went on, Feromsa and me just sit there frozen. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say, I only gave Feromsa a kiss and a hug and told him he was beautiful. Fortunately I don’t think he understood what the girl was saying, he understands and communicates well in Spanish, but his English is still very basic, so I didn’t want to make a fuss about all that given that for now is protected by his ignorance of the language.
But soon the day will come in which he will completely understand a dialogue like that and what is he going to feel? Surely he will be hurt. Imagine what a bad start for a little kid that goes to his first swimming lesson!
Many questions came to my mind and I can’t stop thinking about them:
Should have I said something to them?
Did the mom of the little girl handled the situation in the right way?
Would the girl/mom had that kind of dialogue in front of us if I was a black mom?
Does a black mom have a different approach to a situation like this?
Should the mom make the girl apologize to Feromsa for what she said?
Should the mom have apologized to me and Feromsa for what her daughter had just said?
Should I have demanded an apology from them at that time, or since I’m going to see them again, ask for an apology now even when some days had already passed since the episode?
I’ve come to a point in where I don’t mind anymore about people staring when we are in public, or even about certain questions or comments. We are a family no matter how different we may seem to others and it’s not my job to educate them about race or adoption. But this case is different, I think it was offensive and it hurts the feelings of a child.
I understand children’s curiosity, but the negative comments were out of place. Probably they come from the environment in which this child is being raised. What I find really hard to tolerate is the attitude of the adult, I think she should have apologized to us, she’s is responsible for the acts and words of her daughter.
Let’s suppose that the situation was just the opposite, that it was Feromsa making those comments about the girl’s skin color, or her hair, or her body. Would the mother of the girl stayed so calm and understanding? Or would she be outraged and ask at least for an apology from us?
What would you do in her place, …or in my place?
We white people are so ignorant about race and racism.
I feel so sad.
I think I should be more prepared for situations like this.
AliciA
4 users commented in " Troubled waters "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackAlicia, I am an African American mother of a blonde haired blue eyed 5 year old boy. Although family diversity is common in Hawaii we have had our uncomfortable moments dealing with racism but nothing as hurtful as your situation. Most instances deal with inquires about our relationship.
I believe the negative response you encountered from the child and lack of response from the parent is more honest than any apology you will receive from them. Instead of demanding an “apology”, you might be better off using this experience as a tool future responses. Do not ignore it.
To question whether or not they would have behaved differently with an African American mother is irrelevant. As an African American mother I am not exempt from racism. It is our responsibility as parents to expose our children to more joys than pain. Seek out more opportunities for positive experiences with diversity.
Aloha!
My heart hurts for Fermosa when I hear that. I think the mother should have apologized. I think she should have reprimanded her child in front of you and Fermosa. She should have said, “It is not okay to say mean things about anyone, young lady!” There should have been an apology from one, the other or both and an obvious consequence. Whether best or not, I probably would have remained silent (unless it was obvious that Fermosa understood-then totally different strategy) and tried to determine later if Fermosa was affected by the conversation at all so that it could be addressed.
I’m not sure about the environment in which she is being raised; it is hard to know. I will say this - it is not limited to white folk. My husband and I brought sibling girls (3 and 6) home from Ethiopia 4 months ago and I am disturbed by some of the girls’ thoughts and statements about skin color, including their own. We have work to do to repair some early environmental impact, spare others any pain, and restore/preserve the self esteem of these children.
Very recently, our 6 yo communicated that her birthmom told her that she would turn white when she came to America. Another Ethiopian-American woman on our airplane trip back from Ethiopia told her that in a couple of months (in America) her hair would straighten and her skin would lighten (like her daughter’s). The woman told both my husband and me (at different times) that she had told our daughter this as if it was a good thing. I was at a loss for a proper response and my goal was to just get home! I just said, “We think she’s perfect just as she is.”
Sorry for the long post - I love checking in on you all and the kids and find your blog a great resource!
Terri
[...] wrote a couple of days ago a post about our experience at our local swimming pool. At that time I didn’t make a connection between [...]
Lei este post hace un par de días y me quede pensando sobre él. Hace ya tiempo que encontré por internet unpdf que hablaba sobre como lidiar con este tipo de comentarios.
Te lo mando a tu mail … espero que te sea de ayuda.
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