A few days ago I read the article Another country, not my own posted in Boston.com, about the experience of an adoptee from Taiwan, (which I reached through the site Harlow’s Monkey) about how many parents in an effort to do as much as they can for their adoptive children force the culture of their birth country upon them.  I must say I was surprised by the honesty of the writer and I agree with most of what she said. 
Let’s be clear in that an internationally adopted child will never have the culture of the country he was born, no matter what we do. It’s stupid to think that just by hanging a couple of posters from Ethiopia, knowing a few words in Amharic and eating injera once in a while we’ll be able to “immerse” the child and ourselves in the culture of that country. 
Our children will probably never belong completely to a single culture. Even more, they will probably never “fit in” anywhere.
In my case, I have it pretty clear that I’ll also never belong to any place, no matter how hard I try. I’m a “legal alien”, as Sting would say, leaving my birth country meant that I don’t have a place I can call home; not from there anymore, not from here yet.
But not all is bad, I have gained a lot too. First, I have the advantage of understanding more than one culture and language, I have learned a lot, I’m more forgiving and I think more wise thanks to the change.
Said that and going back to the children, they lost a lot but they gained a lot too. I can’t compensate them for what they have lost, but I can give them a lot to make them whole, specially my experience and understanding.
We as a family have to build our own culture inside the home, so they can face the challenges that will wait for them outside. First, lets build a family, and then lets build a sense of belonging to a culture or cultures.
Over time they will become truly Americans, that will be their main culture if they keep on living in this country. But they will also be Ethiopians living abroad and different from the ones living in Ethiopia. And they will share part of my Argentinean culture, specially the language, and I hope they can feel that my native country also belongs to them.
How will I build all this?
Well, by exposing them to the things I already know, but not by forcing the culture down their throats.
It’s popular knowledge that children learn by example, so if I appreciate Ethiopian culture probably they will learn to appreciate it too. I’m not learning about Ethiopia or Amharic just to look like a good adoptive parent. I do it, because I love to do it, it’s not an effort to me, I enjoy it! It’s totally natural to me, that’s who I am. This blog is not homework, is something I like to do. It’s enriching, interesting, and over all it’s learning about us humans no matter where we were born. And I’ve discovered already so many things in common… I’m always hungry for knowledge.
I just live my life fully and they have the chance to watch like hawks everything I do. In the same way that I don’t force them to say “thank you”, I don’t force them to learn about Ethiopia or anything else. I just say thank you naturally and my actions are the examples they will copy.
The need to know or learn has to come from them, not from me.
In adoption, parents are only a part of the equation, we need to wait for our children to be ready to ask questions and we should be willing to answer them the best we can.
We need to expose them naturally to living examples so they can make their choices. They should meet African Americans, Ethiopians, other adopted children from Ethiopia, but also other kinds of people, of all races and backgrounds, that’s how they will find their place and will form their identity.
We should always tell the truth, and when we talk about Ethiopian culture or adoption, we must go beyond the surface, explore the good and the bad, be honest so they will have a full spectrum.
Many times in this culture what matters is the form and not the content; the food and the Ethiopian dress but not the history of the people; the music and the dance but not the suffering and the struggle.
So I’m in this journey for the rest of my life, and I hope that they will embark in their own journey with the same passion and love that I do and find their place in the world.

 
AliciA